I remember being in my bedroom one night, prior to finding out he was married, and my mother could sense that I was missing Kevin. She came into my room and told me, “I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but I believe you and Kevin will be back together one day.” I held on to that hope until I found out he was married.
Life is full of ups and downs, victories and defeats. You know, sometimes we feel like we are on top of the world, and other times that the world is on top of us. Finding out that Kevin was married was definitely not on of those “on top of the world” moments. I can honestly say, that even though I knew there was probably no way we would ever be together, I absolutely wanted him to be happy. That is one way that I knew it was really love, and not just some infatuation. I didn’t selfishly want him to come back to me, just because that was what I thought I wanted. No, I wanted him to truly be happy. If being with someone else is what made him happy, I was good with that.
I continued dating other guys, only this time, more seriously, looking for a potential future husband. I was a senior in high school, looking 18 years old in the face. At that time, that was the age, I was taught, to either move out on my own, or get married.
Sometime during my senior year of high school, Kevin called me out of the blue. I was still living at home with my parents at the time. He called me from a pay phone. I cannot describe the feelings that were stirring in my heart and stomach as we spoke. I can still remember where I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom as we spoke on the phone. He opened up to me and told me that he and his wife were having a lot of marital problems. He actually thought they were on the verge of divorce, and he just wanted to call and see how I had been doing. I remember thinking, “Could this be the answer to my prayers?” I had been praying to find my soul mate. I had been praying to find a man who loved me as much as I loved him. I never dreamed it could be HIM. No, not him. After all, he was married. Why is he calling me? Actually, I didn’t care why he was calling. I was just ecstatic to hear his voice and to talk to him. When we hung up, I thought there was a strong possibility that his marriage was just all a mistake, and he was going to fix it, and we would be able to be together once again.
That piece of hope lasted only a few weeks. He told me that his wife had been in a bad car accident. Kevin was not going to leave his wife in this predicament. He decided to stay with her to help her heal. I knew that was the “right” thing for him to do. I can remember the battle in my brain, trying to figure things out. Was this a sign that we were not ever supposed to be together? Should I wait on him to see if his marriage was going to work? I knew that he was now working on his marriage, and we would no longer be speaking on the phone. Why are we so seemingly drawn together, to seemingly be pulled back apart? I felt in my heart, he needed to stay married. I was not going to interfere. After all, marriage is a covenant not to be taken lightly. I knew my parents had moments in their marriage that they thought they should divorce, but they didn’t. They have now been married 50 years. I decided to let him go once again. This time, I thought, for good!
I continued dating, and I was getting pretty serious with this one particular guy. I really liked him. I was thankful to find someone to get my mind off of Kevin for awhile. It’s not that I never thought of Kevin at this time, it just didn’t hurt when I thought about him. I surrendered to the idea that he was married. I was happy for him, and I felt like I needed to move on with my life. I graduated high school, and moved out into an apartment with my best friend, Kandy. At this time, I wasn’t very good at living on my own or with a roommate. I had A LOT of growing up to do. I did like the guy I was dating quite a bit, but it turned out that he was completely against the church that I was raised up in. At that time, I was not actively going to church, but I thought that one day, the church would probably be important to me. I knew I wanted children, and I knew it was important to be “on the same page” when it comes to raising them. I knew I didn’t want to raise the children in a “split” household when it came to something as important as religion. I was so young, dumb and naive. I thought I had life all figured out. I thought that if 1+1=2, then that’s how life should work. I have learned that there is no black and white in life. For everything we call a positive, we can also call it a negative. For everything we call a negative, we can also call it a positive. Law schools thrive on debating any topic, based on that same principle.
We broke up, and I met Scottie. Scottie was a car salesman. My sister had met him while looking at buying a car, and she called me up and said she thought I should meet him. He was funny and she liked him. I went there to meet him. He didn’t go to the church I was referring to, however, his brother did. Scottie wasn’t against the church, and he said we could raise our children in the church if that’s what I wanted. He was 7-8 years older than I was, and he was ready to get married. He met the guidelines, or checklist for a potential husband. We got engaged.
I moved back home before I got married. I didn’t want to impose on my parents and stay there long, so it was going to be a short engagement. A few weeks before the wedding, Kevin showed up at my parents’ house. It was so wonderful to see him again!! All those feelings came rushing back in.
TO BE CONTINUED…Life can be like a roller coaster… I like to think of it as an adventure now. Kevin and I both would like to have fast forwarded through some of these ‘highlighted’ chapters in our lives, as I am sure you probably feel the same way about some of the chapters in your own lives. Now, I can honestly say that, looking back, I am thankful for the process. I have learned a lot and discovered myself through the process.